Monday, May 30, 2005


Is it anyone's bidness?

Chicagoist has a bit on Mayor Daley's new Chief of Staff, Ron Huberman In the comments are the following exchange:

WOW! Is Ron Huberman single?
Posted by: Chicago Socialista at May 25, 2005 09:40 AM

I don't know if Ron is single, but I do know that he prefers to date men.
Posted by: Scott K at May 25, 2005 01:09 PM

Ron prefers men? UGH! Good for the men, I guess. *sigh*
Posted by: Chicago Socialista at May 25, 2005 07:29 PM

I have followed his career for a couple of years in the press as they have covered his meteoric rise from Rogers Park beat cop to No. 2 at City Hall. Certainly he is an attractive unmarried young man, but does that mean he's gay? Is it the public's business? While I conditionally support the outing of public figures when they act against the best interests of the GLBT community I don't feel all hunky dory about it. And I definintely don't want folks snooping around the personal life of a appointed offical if there is no case made to suggest its in the public's interest to do so.

I wish Mr. Huberman the best and hope for Chicago's sake he continues to perform as well as he has by all accounts in the past.

Friday, May 27, 2005


Friday semen blogging

Here's an update on one of our previous Friday postings:

Ex-Dentist Gets Probation in Semen Case

The Associated Press
Wednesday, May 25, 2005; 9:58 PM

CHARLOTTE, N.C. -- A former dentist accused of using syringes to squirt his semen into the mouths of female patients was sentenced to probation on seven assault charges Wednesday though he refused to say he was guilty.

John Hall entered the Alford plea _ under which a defendant acknowledges there is enough evidence for a conviction without admitting wrongdoing _ at a hearing before Superior Court Judge Robert Ervin. He was charged with seven counts of misdemeanor assault on a female.

The interesting question to me is: what's this guy going to do with the rest of his life. I'm sure he'd planned to be a dentist for the next 20+ years, then float off into the sunset as a retiree. This has certainly shaken things up a bit. Hopefully he won't be a broken man, but can use this new opportunity to become something great! Like a really really good massage therapist, or Internet entrepreneur. Or the next John Waters. Or something.

Thursday, May 26, 2005


Or what? You'll release the dogs or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?

I'm so utterly sick of terrorism. Especially this crap:

Explosives attached to a dog

May 27, 2005

IRAQ insurgents attached explosives to a dog today in a bid to bomb a military convoy near the northern oil centre of Kirkuk but the animal was the only casualty, police said.

The insurgents wrapped an explosive belt around the dog's body and detonated it as the convoy passed through Dakuk, 40km south of Kirkuk, the town's police chief Colonel Mohammed Barzaji said.

"The dog was torn apart by the explosion which caused neither injury among the soldiers nor any damage," said Barzaji, adding that the bomb had been detonated outside a Shiite mosque.

"Eight suspects have been detained," he said.

It is not the first time that animals have been used in insurgent attacks. In 2003, donkey carts were used to conceal makeshift multiple rocket launchers in a flurry of attacks in Baghdad.

Animal carcasses and even human corpses have also been used to conceal explosives.

Poor little guy!!!

And seriously, I still feel like we missed an amazing opportunity on September 12, 2001. There and then was a time to figure out how to STOP terrorism in its various forms. September 11 was a day unlike any other in human history, due to the immense power and immediacy of the images and the magnitude of the physical distruction. Why couldn't the world have gotten together and figured out not just how to respond to terrorism, but how to invalidate it as an effective tool. It was a failure of imagination, is what it was. And it was the immense arrogance of George W. Bush, to think that he, and he alone, was called by God to be THE leader during that time. A man with all the answers (unlike the rest of us, who had few). And somehow we allowed it. Now terrorism is greater than ever in the world. And they use dogs.


[On a sidenote, as I was driving back from Ohio, noticing all the SUPPORT THE TROOOOOOOOOOOOPS big ribbon magnets on the SUVs driving by, it struck me that the people who ask us to support the troops, and thus keep quiet about the failures of the troops' superiors, are the same people who are quickest to point their fingers at the troops (the "bad apples") when things go wrong (Abu Ghraib, Koran desecration, recruiting scandals), rather than the policymakers. I know this isn't a new insight, but those big MAGNET MANIA ribbons on the SUVs strike me as extremely perverse, particularly since we're not supposed to think that this war is for oil.]

[Also, I like the double meaning of this magnet:]

Friday, May 20, 2005


Friday semen blogging

Next week might be a bit slow for the jakester, since I'll be away from a computer until Thursday, but there's always my co-blogger Richard to look forward to, plus you can take the time to read some of the back-postings...

Anyway, on to what everyone has been waiting for (with a bonus girl-semen (named here "go-go juice") addition). This one is germane to previous Fridays due to the discussion of the "urban myths" that seem to live up to reality, at least, our current mediated reality:

Generation XXX: The Taste Below the Waist

1. Females describe semen:

"Ajax cleaner"
"maybe salty"
"smells like Ajax, I no longer buy Ajax because of it. Instead I buy Mr. Clean, it's perfumed."
"thick Clorox"
"rancid Elmer's glue"
"tastes and smells like Brie cheese"


4. Males describe vaginal secretions:

"Like the ocean."
"Have you ever put your tongue on the end of a battery? Like an alkaline battery."
"Like electricity, when you put a pop top from a soda can between your braces."
"Like semen (salty), but better. Zesty."

Never let it be said that this blog was tasteless.

P.S. Since I'll have forgotten about it by next week, I hope everyone takes the chance to see Palindromes, by semen-indetified filmmaker Todd Solondz. A bitter, sweet, aching meditation on love, acceptance, and family. Not to be missed.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005


Do Democrats cause cancer? Find out at FOXNEWS.COM

Rude Pundit, my favorite blog in the history of that superhighway that is the Internet, has a great smackdown of Fox & Friends from this morning.

Oh, sure, the right has been jostled into taking out its giant crayons to paint the picture of a [British MP George Galloway as a] madman in front of the decent Senators who are, for love of God and Bush, trying to eke out the truth. On Fox and Friends this morning, Steve "No, Really, I'm Straight" Doocy called Galloway a "bad Sean Connery imitator" (or words to that effect), thus mocking Galloway's not-really-Welsh-but-actually-Scottish accent. Meanwhile, Brian "No, Really, I'm Straight, Too" Kilmeade and E.D. "Behold My Glorious DSLs" Hill scoffed at the arrogance of Galloway, coming to "our country" to smack the U.S.A. down. Meanwhile, Norm Coleman appeared on the show to sigh and dismiss Galloway.

I do try to tune in to Fox & Friends every once & awhile, just to bear witness to what has to be the most remarkable experiment in parody-that-is-not-intended-as-parody I have ever seen. This morning they had a gentleman on there, Herman Cain, who has just published "They Think You're Stupid: Why Democrats Lost Your Vote and What Republicans Must Do to Keep It." Which begs the question: if his readers are really so SMART, why does he have to write a book to explain why they don't vote for Democrats anymore? I mean, that's something non-stupid people should know. You know?

Anyways, these dudes on Fox News were today caricatures of their actual smarmy, hopelessly unhip sycophantic personalities. One of the guys, Kilmeade I think, said something to the Cain like "and ANOTHER myth out there, is that African American votes are in the bag of the DEMOCRATS! What do you say to that?" and Cain went on about now blacks realize that the Dems want to keep them poor, and how awesome compound interest is, and being rich, and now blacks are becoming Republican! Which explains everything except how Bush could get less than 12% of the black vote two elections in a row. Seriously, it's getting to the point where conservative black pundits outnumber conservative black voters.

And then on the Fox & Friends Web site today, Kilmeade has a brilliant column in which he spouts such pearls of wisdom as "I just sense if there was no war in Iraq, Zarqwai (sic) would be here instead of running for his life over there!" ... Well, if you SENSE it, Brian, then what else do we need??

UPDATE: Courtesy of Crooks & Liars, irrefutable proof that satire is impossible with this current regime and their suck-ups.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005


In latest Blago vs. Mell episode Blago claims "T.V."

From Today's Sun-Times..... "Gov. Blagojevich made his father-in-law sound like a monster-in-law Monday, blaming virtually all of his administration's problems on Ald. Richard Mell. And he said "testicular virility'' had given him the fortitude to shake things up in Springfield and stand up to Mell (33rd)."

This is Blago vs. Mell Part 5 or so. Personally, I vote for Mell on this one. Blago's getting bad ethics press and wants to shift the public's glance back onto Mell. If he has problems they are his not Mells... BTW what is Blago trying to say? That he has "balls" or that he has "spunk"?

Monday, May 16, 2005


We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little

I saw a movie three times this weekend: The Weather Underground. I saw it once regular, once with the director's commentary, and once with the commentary of two of the leaders of the organization, Bernadine Dohrn and Bill Ayers (now out of hiding and living in Hyde Park, Chicago).

Each time I watched it, the sense of immediacy was almost overwhelming. The parallel of our current war to the war out of which the New Left was, in part, born was certainly there. But far more important to me was the increasing depth of understanding I had for political movements today and how they got this way (including, perhaps most importantly, the NewCons).

I am more than happy to explore some of the themes brought up over drinks with anyone, any time, anywhere. But here are some of they keys:

  • To what extent did the rhetorical and tactical excesses of the militant left discredit it (them)?
  • What the hell revolution were they really trying to pull, and what the hell made them think it would actually work?
  • Do they feel really, really stupid for aligning themselves with Castro, Mao, and the rest, even in the abstract?
  • And of course, the biggie: given that leftism, progressivism, liberalism are so under attack in the U.S. politically these days, how do we find strength in the good parts of our heritage without being weighted down by the other baggage?

The film really made me think about how, in a quest for greater truth, I feel like it's important to take yourself out of your own political milieu and put yourself in your opponent's shoes. If you justify a rhetorical or activist tactic for yourself, can you justify it for them? Are your goals so pure that you deserve greater latitude for your missteps? As long as you win in the end, will the morality of your tactics even matter (see the 2000 Florida recount)??

Definitely check out the movie. Listen to the commentaries. And then buy me a beer & we'll discuss.

Friday, May 13, 2005


Friday semen blogging

Sorry for the downer to end the week, but I really do think this story is quite important:

Louisiana: Historic legislation would ensure uranium testing for local soldiers

According to Leuren Moret, a geoscientist who has worked around the world on radiation issues, depleted uranium is coming back into the U.S. "in veterans' uniforms and trophies and bags." It's also coming back in their bodies, transferred through semen.

Moret cited a U.S. government study, conducted by the VA on post-Gulf War babies in a group of 251 soldiers in Mississippi who all had normal babies before the Gulf War. The study found 67 percent of their post-war babies were born with severe birth defects. Some were born without eyes (anophthalmos), ears, with missing organs, missing legs and arms, fused fingers, thyroid or other organ malformations. Moret said that in some families, the only healthy members are those born before the Gulf Wars.


The health repercussions in Iraq are unprecedented. In babies born in 2002, the incidence of anophthalmos was 250,000 times greater (20 cases in 4,000 births) than the natural occurrence, one in 50 million births.

The Army and Air Force fired at least 127 tons of DU shells in Iraq last year, according to Pentagon spokesman Michael Kilpatrick, in an interview with the New York Daily News. "Because of its density, it is the superior heavy metal for armor to protect tanks and to penetrate armor," Kilpatrick said.

Okay. So. We're using depleted uranium. We know about the adverse effects. We apparently don't fucking care. Anything goes as long as we can hide behind the "support the troops" war cry. Is that how it works?

I cry now.

Thursday, May 12, 2005


Jesus must be spinning in his grave!

From Wonkette, via Americablog:


Not as great as yarmulke bra, but still an amazing product of this great land of ours.

They say this is not a parody, but COME ON! When you have references to both "bush" and "fish" you know some queen is taking it to the next level. Hopefully he makes a profit off of it. As their disclaimer says:
PLEASE NOTE: The BushFish does not suggest that President Bush is Divine.
Because THAT would be blasphemy. President Bush could never hold a candle to Divine, Mink Stole, or any of John Waters' stars.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005


I'm looking forward to an orderly election, which will eliminate the need for a violent bloodbath.

If you're interested in who Christine Cegelis is going to face in the primary next year, Tim Tagaris has the skinny. Interesting that O'Malley is BRAGGING on his site about the 9% of the vote he got when he finished 4th out of 4 for the DuPage County Board, and that he voted for McGovern back in a school mock election in 1972. WHAZZA??

And for those who didn't see it, here's what I sent out to all my peeps this week:

Please consider donating $20.06 to the Christine Cegelis for Congress campaign. Below I have much more info about who Christine is, why I think this campaign is crucial, why donating now is so important, and how else you can help. If you are like me, and don't like to "read" lots of "important details," then just trust me and go here to donate:

This is a terrific opportunity to put the brakes on the GOP of Bush, DeLay, Hastert, Hyde, Limbaugh, Santorum, Musgrave, Lott, Cheney, Falwell, Rove, Frist, Coulter, Dobson, LeHaye, Robertson, Hannity, Keyes, Ashcroft, Rumsfeld, Roy Moore, Ralph Reed, Michael Savage, Grover Norquist, and on, and on, and on. This fight isn't over, people. With focus, energy, and smarts, we can prevail.


Jonathan Kelley
Chicago, IL

P.S. If you do donate, please let me know so I can track how this little appeal worked. And more importantly, please consider forwarding this to 20 friends, family members, neighbors, crushes, groupies, and/or bus buddies (and cc. me). I would love for this to get to 1,000 people around the country in the next week!

P.P.S. Don't be intimidated by the "party" set-up of the donation Web site. It's just how the campaign tracks various fundraising efforts.... You'll end up donating through ActBlue, FYI.


Okay, Skinner, that's the last time you'll slap your Willie around!

Got Taco Bell today. Picked up a couple of packets of Fire Border Sauce. They've got pithy sayings on them. One of them was especially fun:

"Nice palm. I read a great deal of pleasure in your future."

Not making this up.


Today's News: If Christ Came to Chicago

The Sun-Times carried two pieces on Jesus today. First from the AP:

“Even Jesus Christ can't circumvent the rules for getting a driver's license in West Virginia. Attempts to prove his name really is Christ have led the man born as Peter Robert Phillips Jr. through a lengthy legal battle and a recent victory in the District of Columbia Court of Appeals…

Described by his attorney as a white-haired businessman in his mid-50s, Christ is moving to West Virginia to enjoy a slower lifestyle. He bought property near Lost River, about 100 miles west of Washington, and has a U.S. passport, Social Security card and Washington driver's license bearing the name Jesus Christ. But he still falls short of West Virginia title and license transfer requirements…

Any comment from the man in the middle of this legal tussle? "Christ is not speaking to the press at this time," said his attorney....

And from a favorite local writer in the Sun-Times, Mark Konkol:

“While Jesus Christ is having trouble getting a drivers license in Appalachia, his name is being used in vain all over Chicago area telephone directories. A search of public records on the Internet produced 16 Jesus Christs living in Illinois, all of them phony listings…

They include a 29-year-old Jesus Christ on Heaven Drive in Elgin and Jesus J. Christ at 111th and God Street, where the savior reportedly lived in apartment No. 9….A call to 411 prompted what appeared to be a non-believer's retort."Searching for Jesus Christ in Chicago and the surrounding area. Sorry, there is no listing," the operator said blankly....

“And God didn't answer at the new phone number listed for Jesus Christ on South Laflin. It was Helen Watkins on the line. When asked if she knew Jesus, the elderly woman answered with unshakable faith. "He's my savior," she said. Does he live there?....

"Yes, in my heart," she said. "I've had three strokes, a heart attack, a broken femur, a broken hip and brain surgery. Don't you think he lives here? ... [But] his name isn't on the mailbox."…A search of state driving records didn't find a Jesus Christ with a valid drivers license.”

Monday, May 09, 2005


You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.

What's going on in the world today:
  • 11 U.S. troops killed in Iraq over the weekend.
  • Some massive U.S. offensive near Syria, either killing 100+ insurgents or just causing extreme damage to some villages, depending on which side you believe (the media so far is only repeating the military 's version, and of course has no independent means to determine what happened).
  • North Korea might have 5-6 nuclear weapons. ACTUAL FUCKING NUCLEAR WEAPONS!! The kind we pretended to go to war over in Iraq!
So what's's question of the day?

"Do you believe a dog could care for a baby?"

You can NOT make this shit up.

For the record, there have been 120,165 votes so far, with "Yes" winning 65%-35%.

Friday, May 06, 2005


Friday semen blogging

International edition.

Lyn May es la vedette más famosa y erótica de México. Desde muy joven posó desnuda para revistas y su época dorada fue en los 70. Hoy, después de casi toda una vida dedicada al striptease y con casi 60 años de edad, esta exótica mujer confiesa tener el secreto para la eterna juventud: una crema facial cuyo principal componente es el semen y “es infalible”, según la actriz.

Well, whatever works... The question is, how does she get her raw material?? Well, according to her manager, she harvests it herself:

A través de donaciones de chicos guapos entre 18 a 21 años, atractivos, fornidos y sexualmente empeñosos. ... Si ve a un chavo atractivo lo invita a su casa y le paga 500 pesos por el semen (26 mil pesos chilenos).

I won't say not to try it at home, but if you do, please remember to mix in oats, milk, and honey.

Thursday, May 05, 2005


We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. Just tell us your idea, and we'll vote for it!

Seriously, I think Spokane's mayor who is soliciting young dudes online and is being sued for molesting a couple of even younger dudes way back when and has apparently been one of the state's leaders in anti-gay crapola could use a few more Seattle values:
In his 2002 campaign against Dolan, West accused the School District 81 administrator of having “Seattle values,” but ducked a Seattle newspaper columnist who wanted him to explain what he meant.
As far as I can tell, there was one decent-souled person in that race, and it was the one with "Seattle values." The other one was a dick.

In another article, he tries to explain exactly what he's been doing online:

Later, asked about his private life, he said: "I wouldn't characterize me as 'gay,' but he didn't distance himself from the term "bisexual."

"The thing has only been, I can't recall, but it hasn't been very long," West later said when told the newspaper had learned about his online aliases "Cobra82nd" and "RightBi-Guy."

"I can't tell you why I go there, to tell you the truth … curiosity, confused, whatever, I don't know," the mayor said.

How about "stunted"?

Seriously, I think this guy is messed up. And who was the 18 year old who said in the chat room that they'd done it, leading to West's claim that "sex Nazis" were out there trying to stop consenting adults from gettin' their sweat on? Hopefully it was one of the Gonzaga college republicans.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005


I've got 15 pounds of meat for ya!

From the folks at the AP…In little ole Clearfeild, PA, there seem to be a bit of a burger war. The only kind of war I condone BTW. Some joint called Denny's Beer Barrel Pub, is pissed because they lost the “crown as the home of the world's biggest burger earlier this year.” So now they serve a 15-pound burger!!! I hope it’s with blue cheese and mayonnaise.

“Dubbed the Beer Barrel Belly Buster, the burger comes with 101/2 pounds of ground beef, 25 slices of cheese, a head of lettuce, three tomatoes, two onions, a cup-and-a-half each of mayonnaise, relish, ketchup, mustard and banana peppers -- and a bun. It costs $30. "It can feed a family of 10," said Denny's owner Denny Liegey Sr….

…Denny's Beer Barrel Pub previously had offered a mere 6-pound burger. In February, a 100-pound female college student became the first to eat the burger within three hours, winning a T-shirt. One month later, the Clinton Station Diner in Clinton, N.J., introduced a 12-1/2-pound burger dubbed Zeus….

…Over the weekend, four men took one on, but couldn't get through the entire burger. "It's a little too much for me to handle," said Steve Hepburn of Clearfield. "It's like trying to eat half a cow."

Now how would little Stevie know what it’s like to eat that much meat??? Hmmmmm??

Tuesday, May 03, 2005


Just when you thought it was safe to eat out again!

This kind of stuff has always happened (even when folks made their own food all the time) yet thanks to the 24/7 media cycle we're all convinced that one day we'll bite into a body part at the Krispy Kreme.

From an AP stroy in today's Chicago Sun-Times.....A man who ordered a pint of frozen chocolate custard in a dessert shop got a nasty surprise inside -- a piece of severed finger lost by an employee in an accident.Unlike a recent incident at a Wendy's restaurant in California, no questions of truth have been raised about the finger found in a package from Kohl's Frozen Custard. The man said: ''I thought it was candy because they put candy in your ice cream ... to make it a treat.'' He spit the object out, but still couldn't identify it. So he rinsed it off with water -- and ''just started screaming.'' He said he planned to contact a lawyer.

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