Monday, August 08, 2005


weeeeeeeee are the champions!

Saturday, August 6, 2005

CHICAGO (SelfishHedonist News)

Randomly paired tennis partners David Carmack (Indiana) and Jonathan Kelley (Chicago) rocked the sports establishment today with two straight-set victories, giving the team a shocking first place finish in this weekend's Second City Tennis Classic. Although nobody seems to have taken photos of the pair, nor will any results be posted on the Internet any time soon (it would seem), trust this reporter that they won the D division.

Both men lost in yesterday's first round of the D Division singles tournament, a savvy move that left them sharp for doubles play. Strangers to each other until the draw party on Thursday, the two faced an early 0-4 deficit in the first round Friday afternoon against a Louiville-area team. Though lesser competitors would have been dejected, wondering whether they should even continue in the sport that seemed to lead to nothing but pain, humiliation, and wasted money, Carmack and Kelley fought back, pulling out the first set with a run of six straight games. Their victory was unfortunately short-lived, though, as the Ohio River team rediscovered their flagging confidence and won the second set handily.

The third set was notable for its unpredictability and significantly higher level of play by both teams. Up an early break, the midwesterners seemed to have the match in hand. Their opponents, however, fought back to even the score at 2-2 and the teams traded entertaining rallies and games to reach 5-all. This reporter doesn't remember the last two games of the match for some reason; suffice it to say, the wrong guys won them both and Carmack and Kelley walked off the court with a combined record of 0-3 on the day. Not the stuff of legends, to be sure.

Or was it?????

Because the D Doubles was the only event in the tournament with a round-robin format, the two men knew they had two more matches to play, both today. They also knew there was an outside chance they could still win the whole shebang (contingent on the performances of the other teams, naturally). First up: another team of previously unpaired midwesterners, featuring the #1 D singles player who soundly trounced Kelley on Friday. Kelley was openly disdainful of their chances, despite the encouragment of having gotten so close the previous afternoon. Carmack was strangely quiet, but focused. Surprisingly, the match was close early on, with neither team able to take advantage of some tortoise-paced second serves. Then, a lucky break: leading 6-5 with their opponents serving, Carmack and Kelley reached set point and won it on a double fault.

The second set progressed quite similarly. With the score tied 5-5, Kelley held serve and then faced the same server they broke to win the first set. They reached match point, and the server missed his first serve. This time, however, instead of double faulting, the second serve was in. Kelley, playing the unusual role of ad-court returner, got himself into position and blasted a forehand winner. He had won his first match in tournament play in his life. And his team was back in the mix.

The team who had beat them very comfortably won their second round match and were now 2-0. Carmack & Kelley and the other midwesterners were both 1-1, but had a better set record at that point (3-2 vs. 2-2). Kelley knew they had to win their next match in two sets (against the winless team of a Floridian and an Alabaman) and have the other midwesterners beat the Louivillians in straight sets as well. Three teams would have the same 2-1 record, but Kelley & Carmack's set record would be better than the other two teams'. The two final matches were played on adjacent courts and Kelley and Carmack were fortunate to have a spirited cheering section supporting them from on high.

Well, the first contingency was met (but not without overcoming some extremely hard serves and body shots from the Alabaman, along with their fourth straight 7-5 set). The eventual champions then looked over to see the last few points of the other match, and found their conquestors overcome by the team they had beaten that morning. In two sets!!! First place was theirs. Carmack began to weep sweet tears of victory. Kelley strutted the strut of a true champion and has yet to shut up about his serve; his return; his footwork; his overheads; and his new hardware (the trophy should arrive Wednesday). Honestly, this reporter had to leave the post-match interview. It was that bad.

Wow! Let me be the first to congratulate this reporter on some of the most riveting sports writing this reader has seen in some time. I could nearly feel the drip of the blood, sweat, and tears, as the ingredients for the seemingly-mythical "perfect black horse tournament" came together in just the right way. I now have completely unrealistic high expectations for Kelley's effect on the 2006 elections! Stay tuned for the next crazy installment.
You rock Kelley, and we're gonna dominate winter's doubles!
i am devestated that your miraculous turn around on friday was not rightly attributed to my arrival and the effectiveness of my rally cap effect! any subsequent victories on saturday are clearly a result of my good company and pep talks during dinner on friday night. you should know, selfish hedonist that it is not about you, it is all about me!
bambam, I thought you were rooting on the hot 22-year old! Gosh, if I'd known you were there for me, I would have definitely won that third set!!
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