Selfish Hedonist

Okay, seriously. How many stories involving BOTH semen AND brownies can there be? (In the case below, they are separate, but still.) One day this will be old hat.

This week's version of Friday semen blogging takes us to lovely Waterloo, Illinois. Here's the initial report, found throughout the Internets:

Former cook 'put semen in sandwiches'

A former cook at an Illinois restaurant has been ordered to stand trial after putting his semen in sandwiches.

Police said that Anthony J. Lindhorst, of Waterloo, Illinois, deliberately contaminated food on at least two occasions by putting his semen into honey-mustard dressing.

A police spokeswoman said 26-year-old Lindhorst targeted "people that he didn't like, for one reason or another."

He's been charged with aggravated battery and will stand trial on four counts, says the St. Louis Post-Dispatch.

One of the victims was a woman in her early 40s. The other was a male police officer who had issued a traffic ticket to Lindhorst.

Hmm. Apparently "battery" doesn't mean what I think it means. Apparently, it sometimes involves, ummm, sandwiches.

Okay, so, hard-nosed journalists that we are, we knew that couldn't be the entire story!

Back on April 11, we find this:

A former employee of a Denny's restaurant in Waterloo admitted Monday that he served co-workers brownies laced with marijuana, but charges that he served honey mustard sauce laced with his own semen were dismissed.

The defendant, Anthony J. "Tony" Lindhorst, 27, of Waterloo, pleaded guilty of battery over the brownies incident in circuit court at Waterloo on Monday. He also pleaded guilty of driving with his license revoked.

Okay, so big deal about the pot brownies, and big deal about the license-not-having. But the semen is obviously what got this story all over the Net and, let's face it, it is pretty humiliating. Obviously we here at selfishhedonist are not above making light of the role semen plays in our society, but in truth, if he didn't do it, the whole episode is pretty shameful.

And Tony agrees:

April 18, 2005

The Waterloo Police Department is flatly dismissing the suggestion it should issue an apology to a man who avoided a pair of felony convictions last week.

After 27-year-old Anthony Lindhorst had his day in court, he publicly stated—through the local Fox Television affiliate—the police department owed him an apology for "ruining his life."

Lindhorst was set to be tried before a jury on two counts of assault, but the state accepted a plea bargain to the lesser charges of battery.

Waterloo Police Chief Joe Brauer said he stands by the initial charges, which alleged Lindhorst served two of his Denny's co-workers brownies spiked with cannabis and—on a later date—mixed his semen with food served to a Waterloo policeman and a former supervisor.

The latter charges were dismissed as a condition of the plea bargain.

"There was no evidence to substantiate the marijuana food contamination charges because they ate the evidence," Brauer said. "However, he pleaded guilty to this because he plea-bargained this to a lesser charge."

For some reason, nobody mentioned whether the semen-contamination charge could be substantiated, or whether that evidence had been eaten.